Military Jokes Page 1 of 9
An awesome collection of military jokes featuring the heroic men and women of the armed forces.
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says, "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!"
Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
An air force officer goes to heaven and at the gate Saint Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven.
The officer replies, "Yes, I went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar; so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone." When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down. Saint Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act.
The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!
A soldier had lost his bayonet and whittled one from wood so he could pass inspection. He was hoping not to be discovered until his unit had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At an inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet.
The soldier stated "Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it." The Officer insisted he hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the Soldier looked skyward and declared, "May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
Returning to West Point late one night, Colonel Schultz and his wife were challenged by the sentry at the gate.
"Halt and identify yourself!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" declared the startled woman.
The sentry stepped aside. "Advance, Holy Family, to be recognized."
What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and the National Guard?
The Boy Scouts have adult supervision!!
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when a PFC knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the PFC replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
Two young soldiers were exchanging their experiences of the service in the Army. "My sergeants are wonderful", said one soldier.
"I wish I could say the same about mine," said the other.
"You could if you could lie like I am."
The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about how crazy Army paratroopers are for jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft.
"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a perfectly good aircraft," the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."
"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is too dumb to complain about the salary."
