Military Jokes Page 5 of 9
A colossal collection of jokes about our dedicated men and women in the armed services.
When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.
"That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said.
So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.
"Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope," Reggie shouted.
No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.
"I am a sergeant!" he bellowed.
"I am a dope," whispered Reggie.
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his unit. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out, "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.
Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens, "All right, just half of you this time!"
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.
They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks, "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, General. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men in the country."
"Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls a private and says, "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!"
As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said, "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
A guy was telling about this girl Sue who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said his friend, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the guy.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The guy shrugged. "Who's going to tell?"
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of them, huh?"
The U.S. succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?"
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer, "Yes."
The generals look at each other, bewildered. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer, "Yes what?"
Instantly the computer responds, "Yes sir."
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.
The ensign's efficiency had been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not at all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"
