Military Jokes Page 2 of 9
An enormous source for some good laughs with these funny jokes about our armed forces and our military men and women.
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."
"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can.
All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
The Company Commander looks up and says, "I see millions of stars."
The 1st Sergeant asks, "And what does that tell you, sir?"
The Company Commander replies, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Sergeant?"
The 1st Sergeant says, "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the
windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded, "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I'm pumping sewage out of airplanes. What could you do to punish me?"
As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job.
I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case.
"If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"
A transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your make the call.
