Old Age Jokes Page 1 of 6
An enormous selection of funny old age jokes. Seniors know how to have a good time too.
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily function's. One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven but it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I have no problem peeing and at eight I have a bowel movement."
"That sounds great, so what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine!" he replied.
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
A pastor was visiting an elderly lady who was a "shut in." Since she didn't get very many visitors, she went on incessantly about her problems while the pastor nibbled on some peanuts that were on the coffee table in front of him.
After about a half hour, and with his endurance almost expended, he politely interrupted, explaining that he had other appointments that afternoon and said, "I'm afraid I've eaten most of your peanuts while I was listening and I would like to leave you a couple of dollars so that you can get some more."
"No, that's ok," replied the woman, "With my dentures I can't chew them. It's all I can do just to suck the chocolate off them."
A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her, her drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink in fact I'll take care of this one for you."
As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."
The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I'll have a scotch and two drops of water."
"All right," says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one."
The old woman says, "Great. Bartender I'll have a scotch and two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny you learn that when you're my age you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"
