Old Age Jokes Page 6 of 6
Old age jokes, here's some really funny jokes and situations that have befallen some of our seniors.
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt!"
An elderly man is driving along the highway and he is pulled over by a police officer. The policeman tells him that several miles back the car door had opened and the man's wife had fallen out of the car.
The man says, "Oh thank God, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
The theater usher quickly dashed down front where a man was crawling around on his hands and knees.
"Sir," he said, "you're disturbing several people around you. What's the problem?"
"I've lost my gum! said the man as the continued to search around the seats.
"Sir," the usher said, "If that's your only problem, let me offer you another stick of gum so you can sit down and watch the show. A stick of gum is not worth all this disturbance."
"But I'm afraid you don't understand," explained the man, "my false teeth are in that gum!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other, and said, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now, and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim said, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a new-born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
A little old man's wife died, he went to the newspaper office to put an obituary in the paper.
The assistant told him it was $5 per word, he only had $10; so he was going to put, "Nelly's dead."
The girl took pity on him and told him he could have three words for free.
So he put in, "Nelly's dead, minivan for sale!"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that she's angry with you."
"With me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
"She said, 'It's none of your business how old she is.'"
An elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walked into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar was an elderly looking lady (mid eighties).
The gentleman walked over, sat along side of her, ordered a drink, took a sip, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
The old man says, "I wish I knew where I was going to die."
His friend says, "Why do you want to know that?"
The old man replies, "Well then, I wouldn't go there!"
