A Healthy Collection Of Medical Jokes Page 1 of 5
A healthy collection of medical jokes about doctors, patients, nurses, hospitals and illnesses. Let's poke a little fun at the medical profession.
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient: "Oh no! That's awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, ever since I was a kitten!
An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's and says "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!"
The shrink says "Sit over there and I'll deal with you later."
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Tom: What's good for excessive wind, doctor?
Doctor: A kite!
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors in it!
Last week my friend, Mabel, was feeling terribly ill so her husband called the doctor's office.
"I'm afraid the doctor is busy until 10am Thursday," said the receptionist.
"But that's three days away! My wife is terribly ill," pleaded Mabel's husband. "What if she's dead by then?"
"Well," replied the receptionist, "you can always call back and cancel the appointment."
Sam: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually.
Sam: But I'm the examiner!
Adam, an elderly man was seated in the doctor's waiting room. When he was called in to see the doctor, Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room.
After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement. "That must be a miracle doctor in there." he exclaimed. "What treatment did he give you? What's his secret?"
Adam said, "Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analyzed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using."
"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"
Patient: "I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?"
Doctor: "You've had an accident involving a train."
Patient: "What happened?"
Doctor: "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them."
Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?"
Doctor: "There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."
Patient: "I've got a terrible pain in my right arm, doctor."
Doctor: "Don't worry, it's just old age."
Patient: "But in that case, why doesn't my left arm hurt, too - I've had it just as long?"
