A Healthy Collection Of Medical Jokes Page 5 of 5
Medical jokes for you to laugh about when you read these funny jokes about health, doctors, patients, nurses, hospitals and ailments.
A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients.
He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?"
Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door."
The doctor is worried that the old guy is going crazy, so he calls the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on"
Mrs. Johnson yells, "Steven! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Doctor: What's the condition of the boy who swallowed the five quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.
It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course.
The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.
Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden. The neighbor asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?"
Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems?
The neighbor says, "You mean a rose?"
Ed replies, "Yeah, that's it, then he turns to where his wife is working and says, Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?
A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled. "Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
Did you hear that researchers have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.
Before I went off to South America for my summer vacation I asked my doctor how I could avoid getting a disease from biting insects.
He just told me not to bite any.
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched."
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, "What would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp, too."
A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I am always farting.
Although they don't smell, they do make loud noises, and it's affecting my social life."
The doctor gives him some pills and asks him to return next week.
He returns, and says, "Those pills did no good. In fact they made things worse. I still fart as much, but now they smell terrible."
To which the doctor replies, "Good! Now that we have your nose working again, let's work on your farting problem."
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
