A Healthy Collection Of Medical Jokes Page 4 of 5
Our collection of medical jokes pokes fun at the medical profession including funny jokes about doctors, patients, nurses and hospitals.
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
"Doctor, doctor! My small son has just swallowed a roll of film."
"Don't worry. Let him rest a bit and we'll wait and see what develops."
Dan kept going to the eye doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. The Doc told him, "Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so stop drinking tea."
Dan stuttered, "But I love tea."
The doctor replied, "Okay, you can drink tea as long as you take the spoon out of the cup."
A Polish man went to an optician and was given an eye-test.
"See that second line, C Z Y K O S V O, can you read it?"
"Read it?? That's my brother's name."
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and smoking, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
When the young man was being examined by the doctor he was asked: "Does it burn when you pee in the toilet?"
"I don't know," replied the young man, "I never tried to put a match to it."
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, then I had to call the doctor!"
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample and a stool sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What does he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell my car to pay the bill."
