Lawyer Jokes Page 3 of 3
Funny lawyer jokes, and jokes about the justice system, they're pretty funny and maybe some of them will make you smile.
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill, For waking up at night and thinking about your case, $25."
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The governor replied, "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."
A lawyer, named Thomas Strange, was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies Thomas Strange, an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave, and the authorities would be confused. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'"
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Sure they will," replied the stonecutter. "Everyone who reads it will think, 'That's Strange!'"
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
Two Dobermans!
How do you tell if it is really cold outside?
A lawyer has his hands in his own pockets.
A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asks the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?
The man replies, "We think so - but we can't prove it yet."
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and a dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it?
Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest lawyer, the answer is obvious.
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."
A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 years old died and arrived at the pearly gates of heaven. The lawyer said to St. Peter, "I am surprised I died so young. I was very active and always ate well. And I'm only 50 years old!"
St. Peter looked at his book and looked back down at the lawyer. "Fifty years old, you say? According to your billing records, you should be 83."
How can you spot a lawyer walking down the street?
He will have his hands in someone else's pockets.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep... You wake him up."
