Lawyer Jokes Page 2 of 3
Our collection of lawyer jokes, maybe they'll put a smile on your face or make you laugh.
What do you have when you have ten lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand!
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What do you get when you run an "honest lawyer" contest?
No winners.
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
A doctor and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road. The lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign. The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed the lawyer if he had tried. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask. The doctor accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer.
The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again. The doctor took another swig. He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor." Not now," answered the lawyer. "I'll have something after the police leave."
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The Butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
Several days later, the butcher opens his mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer; inside is a $20 invoice for a consultation.
What do you call 50 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer.
Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.
He replied, "I used to be one of his clients, and I just like to hear you say it."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
How do you tell the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One wallows in the mud and is a scavenger; the other is a fish!
You're stranded on a desert island with Attila the Hun, Adolf Hitler, and a lawyer. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice!
Asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."
