Why I Hate Cats
Why I hate cats is a funny story that appeared in a newspaper - this is a hilarious cat story written to be amusing.
Here's a Funny Story of Why I Hate Cats
We reprint below, an article which appeared in "Daily News", Sunday, May 25, 1980. Please do not feel the need to write to us and complain - this is intended as a humor piece - that's all. In fact, we love cats and still find this story funny! Sort of feel sorry for the guy who wrote this.....(!)
"Why I Hate Cats"
By John Melia
"Daily News", Sunday, May 25, 1980
Cats.
They make me sneeze, wheeze, snort, cough, choke. My eyes run, my nose runs, and I leave rooms when a cat is present.
I don't like cats, I abhor cats. I detest cats. They're extremely unfriendly, conceited and all around boorish individuals.
And those meows! How the good Lord in His wisdom could let a sound like that on this green earth mystifies me.
And the sound from their nocturnal amorous forays? Well, as they say, it's enough to raise the dead. Or the living for that matter. I distinctly recall waking in a cold sweat on many night, a condition undoubtedly induced by those eerie, preternatural wails that emit from feline throats.
But enough.
Let's get down to specifics; let's try for some objectivity here. Lets examine the domesticated cat in his habitat.
The first thing one notices upon entering a domicile where a cat is present is the smell that permeates the residence. Now I'm told that it isn't the cat that smells but rather the litter box where the poor cat must answer his natural call. In my experience one usually finds this commode in the kitchen, next to the cat's eating bowls, or in the bathroom, where human beings perform their ablutions.
Needless to say, any right thinking person finds this extremely distasteful.
The food that cats consume can be equally stomach turning. Raw hunks of liver, stinking plates of fish and sometimes perfectly mephitic comestibles of soya mash and assorted manmade fillers doused with water and left to stand hours on end.
I have figured out that one reason why cat food becomes unappetizing is that cats are slow eaters. They can stretch one plate of food the clock round. From dawn to dusk, darting in and out of the eating area for a quick munch. They sure do make that food last. All of which would be quite commendable if cats were known for thrift, but in my recollection, thrift is not an attribute of cats, even from the most devoted, anthropomorphising cat fancier.
And that's another thing. Cats always climb around on human eating surfaces. You know it and I know it. It's either the kitchen table or the dining room table or the cupboard. Even in the middle of a meal. I've seen a cat jump right onto the table, swishing its tail gaily and ever so nonchalantly depositing its hair on everyone's plate as it sashays by.
Now let's move into the living room where it seems the cat gains no greater pleasure than popping onto a lap just as the clam dip has come by and one is poised with lip aquiver for a taste. It's then that the cat pounces and said clam dip falls miserably short of its mark and dribbles down one's chin.
Push the cat away and it comes back for more. Get rough with it, and out come those claws to rake your arm, draw blood and raise welts on the skin that can take hours- even days - to disappear. God forbid if you take a swipe at that lowly cousin to the King of Beasts. That's when every cat lover in the room comes out of the woodwork , calls the ASPCA and turns you in for animal abuse. When it was all a case of self-defense in the the first place.
Finally, we have the cat in the bedroom. If it's not sitting on your head, then it's purring incessantly in your ear. And if it's not doing either of those things, then it's trotting out the catnip for a quick game a 4 AM and even with its superior night vision, sometimes that old catnip gets a knock that lands somewhere in the vicinity of your nose. Swap! Your nose is in shreds, the catnip is now across the room and the wretched cat is gamboling after it.
That's what I think of cats.
If I had more time and space, I'd get on to cat lovers. The funny thing about that is that nearly all my friends own cats, know my view, and still invite me to their homes."
