A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're going to build a house."
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years, say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, but you started it."
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and
novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies.
To this his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a
twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News," he responded. "And I need to get some close up shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
"So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor?"
There were three construction workers, one Chinese, one Mexican and one blonde. Everyday at lunch they would sit at the top of a very tall
building to eat. One day, the Mexican said, "If my wife makes me one more burrito I'm going to jump off this building!"
The Chinese man said, "If my wife makes me one more egg roll I'm going to jump off this building, too!"
The blonde said: "If I get one more Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich I'm going to jump off this building, too!"
Surely enough the Mexican got burritos, the Chinese got egg rolls and the blonde got Peanut Butter and Jelly.
At the funeral, the Chinese widow and the Mexican widow were huddled together saying, "I should have listened to him. I didn't think he would actually do it!"
And the blonde's wife was just sitting there looking confused. The other widows came over and asked her why she wasn't crying.
She replied, "I'm confused. I didn't make his lunch...he made his own!"
Have you ever noticed that your boss is the only one who watches the clock during the coffee break.